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Sunday, June 29, 2008

[235] Whether laughing or crying.

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

Tomorrow, the curtain will be closed on the Japan leg of the tour.

I have recieved thoughts from everyone I've met all over the
country, those who can't come to the show tomorrow, everyone
who answered me with all their strength, and even
everyone who's going to the show tomorrow, and thanks
to these precious, precious feelings all over my
whole body, I feel I am able to sing.





Because absolutely we're having a wonderful time.






No matter what's happening in a given moment, the thought of it burns into our hearts.




Today, everyone's love was flooding the venue,
and I felt like I could cry from the very first song.


All throughout Japan, you all, who love me so much,
were gathering together.
I truly, truly thank you.




Tomorrow, with all our hearts, let's decorate the last show with so many different smiles & tears all together, and make the show the best.





I'm doing this show with all my might!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, June 28, 2008

[234] I am...

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

...a girl who keeps her promises! (`_')vBEEP!


Yep, I make such judgment because I have come to talk about Countdown Live, following through with the declaration in my last entry.

But that said, considering what I'm going to write, I'm not sure how or to what extent I should convey my thoughts. I'm having trouble with that.

So because I'm having issues there, I'm just gonna convey this to all you who I wish to see in Yoyogi, with the plain & clear feelings that I have, sticking to the honest feelings I have in my own heart.



Alright.
I hesitated on this. And even now I'm hesitating.
However, I'm going to say what I feel.

After my birthday, in the fall of last year, I was busy working on the album.
During that time, I stayed in LA for quite awhile, so I could do my photoshoots & recording sessions.
News of Aneki's* death had come from my mother, only immediately reaching Bancho**, Ohji***, and my closest staff members, it seemed.
But everyone had discussed it, and they decided that telling me this would make it too hard for me to work, and they said I shouldn't know until I returned to Japan.

I didn't know what was going on, so in a very happy-go-lucky & easygoing way, I said, "Hmm, how come I'm not getting any e-mails?"

They revealed the truth, and I found it to be extremely bitter.

So I finished all my work and came back home that very day. When I got to my house, Mommy was there.
Since we're not living together (in case you were wondering), she didn't say "okaeri", but her eyes were filled to the brim with tears as she started to say, "Ayu, Aneki has gone to Heaven."

I rushed out of the house, on my own. I got into a taxi, and very purposefully I went to Aneki's house.
I hadn't been able to comprehend everything until I saw that the power was off.

Then, I saw Aneki's ashes.
I don't know how long, but I was silent, remaining crouched down.
It really took a considerable amount of time before I was able to cope with the reality of all of it.

Having these kinds of feelings, the end of the year was a blur for me.

With a feeling of nothingness, I went through a number of events, and I ended up building a bigger & bigger wall around me.

That was how Countdown Live was.
The show Aneki was looking forward to.

After the show on the 31st finished, my heart was ruled by huge anxiety, something I haven't felt since then until now.

That's... wow, how to explain it...
I can't aptly explain it with words, but...



Even when I thought to myself, "I have to be able to make it somehow!!!", I, who should have been determined to keep running, was extremely depressed anyway.


Naturally, with everyone who came to the venue and even with everyone who just watched on TV, I had the best & most amazing time on the 30th and 31st, and, this is an absolute fact, I was really happy.


However, I gave myself away, so I think many of you were probably able to understand.


No, absolutely, I think you all understood.



So during those two days, there was the issue with my left ear not working, and it scared me. At the same time, I thought to myself, I am a vocalist, but again, I'm also a human being, and I need to be able to lead this team. I thought I couldn't play both roles.


In a performance, singing the songs is the most important thing. As such, the most basic and most fundamental #1 thing wasn't really there.
If I said anything as I was right then, I had no persuasive power. Moreover, this thing with Aneki influenced me to the point where even my judgement had been considerably shaky.

One song, and then another... whenever I go to sing, my hearing condition continues to get worse, and my mood is nothing but impatient.

When I think like that, I can't sing. I can't be heard...

Without hitting on the problem, I was always getting angry and getting sad, feeling chagrin, but even in my head it was a jumble.


Anyway... even if you just watch the DVD, since there was alot of crying during the show, so you can probably understand.



One way or another New Year's Day arrived, thanks to the love of all the guests there, and the many wonderful staff & band members and dancers, but I was still always thinking.

Can I never sing again like I used to?
Would that concert become my last?




For a very very long time, I was thinking so many, SOOO MANY different things like this.



Thinking about it & thinking about it & thinking about it some more, I struggled to arrive at one solution.
And then, the answer came



Keep on singing.



Just that.
From the day I decided that, I made a vow never again to complain or make any excuses.



And, as one of my ambitions for this year, I have been coming here to write, telling everyone my feelings.

Do you remember when that was said?



So during this year's long tour, I've been able to do absolutely everything.
Every day, every single day was filled up, and I was busy both mentally and physically.
But absolutely, I wasn't defeated. I couldn't be defeated.
Because I made a promise to everyone.


Once again, like I have in the past -- no, like I will from now on -- I've become strong enough to really stand on that grand stage. I've been thinking that during rehearsals for many months now.



Since then I've realized how quickly time is passing. It's surprising to think that tomorrow is already Yoyogi.



Lots of things happened during the tour....
I didn't think of these circumstances as challenging, though.
Because, even with all that stuff happening,
I know that you all understand, everyone.



It might be reckless to say, but even when feeling desperate inside, the time spent with everyone during this tour was truly the best time. My memories of those days shine more & more, quickly & strongly, and I become a better person for it.



I feel the importance of my 10th anniversary acutely throughout my whole self.



I began the tour at Yoyogi.
I clearly remember every exchange between my heart & everyone else's since that day.
Everyone's smiling faces, tear-stained faces, perplexed faces, I love aaaallll of them.




Everyone's feelings are always transmitted to me.




I am very fortunate.



I thought, if I had to lose my left ear, it's alright that I'll keep trying with only my right ear.
But that's not quite right.



I haven't lost anything.


Because everyone has offered to become my left ear.



So my ears are stronger now.

That having been said, although I was smiling about this, and those were beautiful thoughts, this writer has become useless.
The screen is getting blurry, so that's no good.




But I'll hold these tears back until the last day.



The tour continues into the Fall, but for right now, the domestic part of the tour ends with the 2 days in Yoyogi........





I look forward to some serious fighting spirit!!!!!
Let's make it the best two days ever,
Yoyogi-----------------!!!!!



While saying that, I was secretly feeling very anxious.



Thank you for reading this until the very end.




Aneki, please always watch over me!!!!!





*Aneki literally means big sister, but often best (female) friends or respected friends are called this as a term of endearment. I left it alone as "Aneki" throughout the message.

**Bancho refers to Kanako Miura, ayu's nail artist

***Ohji refers to ayu's chief manager.

Monday, June 23, 2008

[233] Let's cry together.

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

So ends my two days in Osaka.

I was thinking and feeling sooooooo many things, and was so overcome that I couldn't help but cry at the very end of it.

Today's concert attendees were absolutely the best!!!!!!!

The memories I have of so many different people are just overflowing; everyone who worked so hard to get tickets and were kind enough to go to each venue; everyone all throughout the country who would continue to wait God knows how many hours to see me off & greet me; people at Kansai airport, people in Haneda... Honestly, I'm crying quite a bit thinking of it all and it's quite obvious.
So today I haven't taken off my sunglasses.

Really, this tour was unfortunately full of so many things that couldn't be helped.


And with these next 2 days in Yoyogi, I'm leaving the domestic part of the tour.


Surely, everywhere all over Japan, the strongest members were seemingly-desperately grasping their tickets, and now we can gather in Yoyogi as though it were a sacred place for us.

The band, dancers & so many of the staff all delivered a super-awesome time & a neverending, never-fading dream, adding more & more fighting spirit to it with their anticipation!!!


Up until the end, all we want is to have as much fun as possible!!!!!


Of course, for these last two days, I'm even going to be reacting to the thoughts of everyone who cannot come to Yoyogi!!!!!!!!!

Sometime before the shows in Yoyogi I'll be writing about the Countdown so wait for that.



I love you so much, everyone-------- (^.^)smooch*

Saturday, June 21, 2008

[232] No no no...

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

It's not possible to grade the spark seen during the two days in Nagoya.
As expected, Nagoya's power exploded even more! o/~

Anyway, it was awesome!!!!!!

Naturally, when the Ayu calls started, the Yo-chan calls
started...

It seemed like a party, lol.
If there had been booze, I'd have been completely drunk! ROFL!

Honestly, I felt so much power from everyone!
Thank you (.)Moved-


And finally, the stop tomorrow & the day after will be my last 2 days!!!!!!!!!!!!


Let's make them an amaaaaazing--------2 days \(^O^)/
Hm?


Let's go, Osaka!!!
Let's get excited, Osaka!!!!!!!!



With plenty of fighting spirit, tomorrow, I'm going to Osaka. (^_^)v


Aah, I'm so looking forward to it!~~~~~ (*^_^*)(*^_^*)(*^_^*)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

[231] As expected!!!!!

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

Everyone in Nagoya was just how I thought they'd be d(^-^)NE!

From the opening, I was greeted & received with totally
high spirits. ~(^_^)v(^_^)v(^_^)v

Tomorrow, more more, let's heat up the hot show!!!!!


Then, for the 2 days in Osaka (last stop!) let's do more more more!!!
Heat it up heat it up!!!!!!!!!



Hmm well, in Yoyogi the perfect execution of the show led to burnout, I think
o/~


Everyone's sights are turned towards the last show in Japan, and everyone's fighting spirit, their spark, (even mine) is indomitable~! ∈^0^∋


Tomorrow will be awesome too~~~~~(*^_^*)



Ah, as for talking about the Countdown DVD, once I get back to Tokyo I'll slowly but surely be writing back to you on it.
So look forward to that \(^O^)/ o/~



Yup, tomorrow's gonna be a grand slam----- (`_')vvv

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

[230] P.S.!!!!!!!!!

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

By the way, today, at a certain place, certain photographing was done.....

It was something I was unfamiliar with, so somehow for the last few days I've been unusually nervous & couldn't sleep....


But it was properly finished without any issues o/~


That being the case, my strained feelings loosened up,
and for the sake of the people in Nagoya
I am heading there in the car~~~, so worn out...


The staff is all working on the baggage situation, so for the moment we're back at home, so it seems we're heading to Nagoya tomorrow.



It's so difficult~.... Do your best, guys!!!!!!!!





I'm saying that just in case~.



If the right opportunity comes up, I'll explain more properly,
so be ready for that~ o/~

[229] Nagoya da gya~.

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

If I said that to all my Nagoyan friends, they'd put on a serious face and say "Is that Hakata-ben?" in reply, I bet.

Huh? (lol)

But I'm gonna insist on using it anyway.



Starting tomorrow, Nagoya da gya~~~ o/~
I always feel so energized there, everyone in Nagoya
is so powerful o/~

Tomorrow & the day after, be more energetic than last time
(though even last time the high spirits were surprising, haha)!!
Hot! Hotter!! Everyone at the live, heat it up!!!



'Preciate it~~~~~~~~~ \(^O^)/\(^O^)/\(^O^)/



As far as the Countdown DVD goes, it's a
self-centered sort of thing to ask, but... please let me know...
tell me how you feel about it, write me about it
tomorrow when you've gotten it~ (*^_^*)


But-but, when the Countdown happens, it's enveloped in
this veeerrry warm love from all of Yoyogi, I feel.
It's tremendous.
In the Making, soooo many of all the fans are shown,
and that also is tremendous.


And that's an easy thing to write, too (lol)
There are a few things I still want to write & tell you,
so wait for iiit~~~~~~ Kiss (^_-)-*

Sunday, June 8, 2008

[228] Really,

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

I'm sooooo sorryyyy (x_x)

Today, for the first time during this tour, I completely forgot the lyrics to a certain song... (T_T)(T_T)(T_T)


I'm already beating myself up about it.
What the heck.




(-_-).




I must keep in mind concerts are like living things!~~~ o/~ La la la~~~ o/~
(Trying to force a 180 in my attitude, haha)


Well then!! Tomorrow and for a long time after, if there aren't local groups anymore & instead just one group for all of Kanto, I'm still gonna do my best to get better so everyone look forward to iiiiit! (^_-)-*




But I...





Think we should scream out in our anticipation \(^O^)/!!!!!
We'll have the best time ever.....right?!!!!!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

[227] I forgot to say!!!

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

The tour isn't even over yet, but I was just a bit too hasty with my talking to be understood.

On July 1st, the band's chief backup singer, Peco, is having a solo live.

On keyboard will probably be the boss of the band, Shingo.


Kyaaaaaaaaaaa so wonderful!∈^0^∋



The stylist in charge of Torio Band might be participating too, I think...


Maybe for this live, Peco will allow me to help a tiny bit too.... (*^_^*).


What am I thinking about, everyone! I should focus on her!!!!! I won't be jealous!~~~~~(*^^)v o/~



Teeheeheeheeheeheehee.......


Everyone, get together for her show~~~~~~~~~~~ o/~


Details are at Peco's home page (^_-)-*

[226] Just a trivial thing...

Translation: Delirium-Zer0

...but nowadays, my big thing has been keeping my bangs as this one solid mass from one side of my face to the other.

But who gives a crap about that, really? (laugh)

Kaz will be uploading today's photo soon~ o/~




Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention my 2 days in Fukuoka.




IT WAS SUCH AWESOMENESS~~~~~~~~~~∈^0^∋!!
If my memory is accurate, then of all my Fukuoka performances until now, this year's Marinmesse was absolutely the greatest!!!!!



Nothing could hamper everyone's spirit \(^O^)/

Nothing could hamper my put-on accent, either (laugh)



But you know, it was surprisingly well-received, my Hakata-ben.
For some reason, my Hakata-ben (not something people hear from me very often) came out fine, according to people who hadn't heard it before, even when they were being blunt.

But be careful with the compliments, or I won't wanna let up....






Do I try speaking my local dialect in Yokohama arena!(^^)!????????

What the heck~~~~~~~.


Yeah, I got caught up in the moment just then.

But not speaking standard Japanese just happens so naturally for me~.

If you're curious about "hearing something that seems raw" from me, please, during the Yokohama Arena MC, yell out your request (laugh)




So this week is a long time in Kantou!!!
It's gonna be crazy crazy amounts of fun~~~~~~~(*^_^*)



Doing Yokohama Arena in the tropical forests, this time.



Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh I really wanna hurry & meet everyone d(^-^)NE!




There's only a little bit of the Japan tour to go after I leave here.
There are sooooooooo many things I want to tell...... but before long, I'll be able to fill you in on all of it.



Wait for it(^_-)-*